blogjam

Bollocks to this, I’m going back to Beijing. And then I’m going to get a train to Shanghai.

Bollocks to this, I’m going back to Pyongyang.

Bollocks to this, I’m off to Mount Myohyang.

Bollocks to this, I’m off to Pyongyang.

Bollocks to this, I’m off to Shenyang.

Bollocks to this, I’m off to Beijing.

Before we start, here’s a disclaimer: I will gladly prostitute my own morals and this blog’s hard-won integrity in exchange for free food.

This week, I received an easter egg in the post, the results of a secretive deal struck with the PR company behind Hotel Chocolat, an unruly brigade of artisan chocolatiers who describe themselves as a “British-owned phenomenon brazenly committed to real, authentic chocolate.” Now I like the idea of being “brazenly committed”, as if they’re making champagne truffles and knocking up marzipan fancies without any regard for their own personal safety. It’s the kind of no-nonsense, testosterone-filled approach to sweet-making I appreciate.

So I agreed to review one of the company’s products, their Signature Egg, 20 quid’s worth of hand-made chocolate stuffed full of further hand-made chocolate.

As you can see, it comes in a nice black and gold box. This choice of colours is supposed to represent luxury and mystery, I imagine, as if to convince the perspective purchaser that they’re buying into a lifestyle of heady elegance and unrivaled opulence, like Monte Carlo with added cocoa.

The egg hatches to reveal its chocolate cargo, a dozen hand-decorated ovums containing all sorts of mildly alcoholic fillings. I sample a few.

Tiramisu

Pink Marc De Champagne

To be honest, it’s a mixed bag. The bellini truffle, named after the famous cocktail invented at Harry’s Bar in Venice in 1934, is quite possibly the nicest chocolate I’ve ever had, containing a suburb, velvety ganache of peach and champagne. On the other hand, the one marked quite clearly on the guide photo as containing advocaat quite clearly doesn’t. It’s whisky flavoured, leading me to wonder whether Hotel Chocolat have a whole batch of mis-labelled sweets they’re farming out on the sly to Britain’s greediest, most obese bloggers.

In fact, some of the flavours are a little odd: if you surveyed 100 people and asked what booze they’d like to find inside a truffle, I’m sure that calvados wouldn’t be a popular choice, and yet it’s here. On the other hand, Kir Royale is a great selection, because the blackcurrant creme de cassis base goes beautifully well with chocolate. It’s a natural fit.

Minor quibbles aside, it’s easily the best Easter egg I’ve ever had. Proper quality. The shell is thick, rich and creamy, while the truffles are exquisitely presented and, for the most part, quite exceptional. Finally, and most importantly, I imagine that if you gave one to a pretty lady, she’d want to have sex with you almost immediately.

Most of the time, I think Amazon are really clever. If I have a look at the top 15 items they’re currently recommending I buy, they list five items I already own, six I’d really like, and just four I have little or no interest in. This is a pretty good strike-rate.

Sometimes, however, I think Amazon are really, really stupid.

Dear Amazon.co.uk Customer,

We’ve noticed that customers who have expressed interest in “Sensuous [Australian Import]” by Cornelius have also ordered “Cornelius” by Sensuous. For this reason, you might like to know that “Cornelius” will be released on 2 April 2007. You can pre-order your copy for just £11.99 by following the link below.

Cornelius
Sensuous

Price: £11.99
Release Date: 2 April 2007

To learn more about Cornelius, please visit the following page at
Amazon.co.uk:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B000IY06I4/

Best wishes,

Amazon.co.uk

Morons.

I have decided: my new ambition is to put on as much weight as I possibly can, to the point where fat suffocates my limping heart and I can no longer raise myself from the sheets without bedsores tearing flesh from my swollen, useless torso. They’ll need a crane to cart me off to hospital, I tell you. And so, to start, I made some yummy turamisu.

Tomorrow, if you’re really lucky, I’ll post a picture of my 70s-stylee black forest gateaux. It contains approximately 9000 calories.

“Put down that rawhide bone, drop that ball of yarn”, it’s the Petcast, recorded every weekend in Las Vegas and broadcast to a theoretical audience of millions world-wide. This week’s guest was, you guessed it, me.

I was interviewed for the show via the magic of Skype, and talk about Cats In Sinks, Kittenwar, The Daily Kitten and the Random Kitten Generator. Oh, and North Korea. I’m not comfortable doing this kind of thing and hate the sound of my own voice, but I figure I had better get used to it as the massive publicity machine surrounding the launch of the Kittenwar range of products ramps up. Or something.

Anyway, it wasn’t too bad. The hosts referred to me as Frasier rather than Fraser throughout the show, but nearly all Americans do that, so they’re forgiven, and I don’t come across as being as cat-mental as I thought I might. Well, maybe a little.

Direct link to audio – I come on at the ten minute mark.