i hate memes

Disclaimer: if you’re not a blogger, or are unfamiliar with the ways of the so-called ‘blogosphere’, I wouldn’t bother reading this post. It probably won’t make much sense, and it’s a minute of your life you’ll never be able to claim back.

meme n. A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.

Actually I don’t hate all memes. I just hate those that masquerade as blog content; those bloated, flatulent exercises in pointless fuckwittery perpetuated by idiots who don’t even have the necessary talent to fire up an anorexic paragraph of half-capable prose. Perfect example: The Friday Five. If honesty were at home, it would be called the “My head is completely empty, I have nothing to say, so here’s some pointless drivel that makes my hopeless shitsack of a website look up-to-date Five.”

The Tuesday Twosome? Once again, a more honorable title would read something along the lines of “The I’m incapable of sentient thought because I’ve spent the best years of my life engaged in a loving yet futile relationship with my computer. I am a witless oaf, and am not worthy of your pity Twosome.”

My god, there’s even a web page devoted to cataloging the damn things; a gleaming, rancid repository of hapless blog sewage.

It was with a heavy heart, therefore, that I received notice of being ‘tagged’ by two different bloggers, both of whom should really know much better, yet still requesting that I continue one such meme.

And because I can’t be arsed writing something that requires thought, and because I should probably let my few remaining readers know that I’m not dead, and because I’m a contrary old cock, I’m going to do so.

Four jobs you have had:
Salad-monkey, McDonald’s, Northampton
In charge of WWF catalogue shrink-wrapping machine
Personal assistant to rock star
Head of Music, Xfm radio, London

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Hoop Dreams

Four places you’ve lived:
Johnsonville, New Zealand
Hounslow East, London
Hounslow Central, London
Hounslow West, London

Four television shows you love to watch:
Curb Your Enthusiasm

Four places you’ve been on vacation:
North Korea
Wichita, Kansas

Four of your favourite foods:
Vanilla ice cream
Steak tartare
Cheese on toast
Ham sandwich, white bread, no mustard

Four places you’d rather be right now:
Between the slowly tensing thighs of a supermodel

Four sites I visit daily:

Four bloggers you are tagging:
Barbra Streisand
William Shatner
Jamie Oliver

Now let’s see how those fuckers get on.


  1. I don’t understand

  2. That’s all fine and dandy, but have you done the “Which file extension are you?” Test?

    I was seriously toying with a “Which internet meme are you?” test, but I don’t think the world can cope with such levels of irony.

  3. muahahaha
    of course my blog has a meme!
    the friday five!
    but it’s in german and you can’t read it.

  4. I’m with you on the telly – except M*A*S*H* which I haven’t seen since I was about 12.

    I’m missing out – aren’t I?

  5. mash-I`m sure it didn`t used to have canned laughter-can`t watch it now.

  6. Nice.

  7. And Bladerunner is such a watchable film – I’m very fond of the soundtrack, too. ‘Do androids dream of electric sheep?’ is also a cracking book.

    Am I the only one who prefers the original over the directors cut? Cant find that one on DVD for the life of me.

    Am I giving myself away as a dork and a pleb? Meh, probably.

    Canned laughter on MASH? Worst mistake ever.

  8. Blade Runner. Oh, yes.

    Sharyn: I agree on book and soundtrack but
    since I saw the Director’s Cut I haven’t been
    able to go back to the original, sorry.

  9. bladerunner-looking forward to the simpsons version.

  10. Simpsons version!? Sweet!
    My guess is
    Millhouse – J R Sebastian
    Bart – Rutger Hauer Bloke
    Homer – Deckard
    Lisa – Pris
    Marge – Rachel
    Burns – Robot-boss-chess-playing-bloke

  11. I’d like to know how ‘meme’ is pronounced. I’ve seen the word written down many times but I’ve never heard it spoken – ‘meemee’ ‘mehmeh’ ‘mehmee’ or ‘mem’? The first or third, I suspect, but you never know with the language of posmodern critical theory…

  12. Thanks! I was way off. If I ever have cause to actually use it, I’ll let you know…

  13. that post makes you sound like a right twat

  14. It’s supposed to :-)

  15. thats quite funny then. I was such a grump this morning sorry. just read loads of back b3ta feel so much better..

  16. ohhh hypocritical in all the right spots.

  17. Fraser, I know for a fact (because you never shut up about it) that Stuart Little is your favourite film, so why on God’s earth isn’t it in your list of ‘films you could watch over and over’?

  18. No, I’m more of a Stuart Little 2 fanatic.

  19. just test soft-a :))))