I don’t like children. Especially yours.

Apart from the continuing the human race angle, I really don’t get it. They’re ungrateful, noisy, irritating little shitheads, and every time I’m told that Timmy is *soooo* clever for his age reinforces my theory that what these pampered whelps are actually best at is reducing the intelligence of their parents. He’s two years old, for fuck’s sake, which means that little Timothy’s settings are switched to ‘dumb-ass’ by default, no matter how many members of the teletubbies he can identify without being sick on the sheepskin or messing his pants. In a perfect world, fatherhood would consist of a) presence during conception and b) turning up at Wembley to celebrate the first England cap.

Having said that, I’ve been passing a sign on the way home from work this week that damn-near breaks my glacial heart.

I swear I must be going soft.


  1. lol, that is awesome, is carving “fuck off” into a pumpkin and leaving it on the doorstep this haloween funny or bindun?

  2. “Devastated?”

    Grow up son, it’s only a plant.

  3. Aw, that poor kid. My heart breaks too. Teaching him patience, process, and responsibility in concepts he can understand — then *poof*.

    Way too early to teach him the concept that others higher up in the corporate hierarchy will take credit for his work.

    That incompetent-manager twit.

  4. Fras,

    That reminds me, I haven’t sent a photo of Willow in aaaggges. She’s so cute and we think so smart.

    Also, we’ve got another in the oven, due in April.

    When are you coming to stay?


  5. the kids need to learn the harsh realities of life. he shoudl remember than anythin you truly love will be taken away. the younger you learn that the more you will accept your lot and conform and integrate with the machine. he who dares to dream is living in cuckoo land. *ahem*

  6. The sunflower thief has done an important job. Five-year-old has been taught a lesson about the world we live in – it is full of shits.

    Continuing the theme of this post, I have been told I am no longer allowed to toughen up the boy Scaryduck Junior by refering to him as “Git”, “Gitface” or “Gitty McGit-Turd” in public.

    Where’s the justice?

  7. Add ‘Meanwhile in Bagdhad…’ to the bottom of the note.

    Although I wonder if this is subtle propaganda for Sainsburys and there never was any sunflower.

  8. It was I who took the flower! I taught the child that there are assholes in life and maybe his mom should teach him to get over it.

  9. Do you hate kittens as well? Or just especially mine?

  10. what would they want to buy one from sainsbury’s for? It’d die within the week. Far better to take the one the kid’s been watering and tending for the last however long, obv.

  11. What an rubbish parent. He or she should be carrying out a twisted revenge plot as we speak, culminating in that broken-hearted 5 year old forcing every last inch of his once beloved sunflower up the anus of the thief. That way it’ll learn that sitting and snivelling over a fucking flower gets you nowhere. Rectal justice, on the other hand…

  12. FLOWER POWER!! = Great time to teach the boy lessons about “Not putting all your eggs in one basket”~ “There are evil Godless people in this world who don’t goto heaven” ~ “An eye for an eye,a tooth for a tooth” ~Matthew 22~ “Bad things happen to good people because there is no god in this crime ridden society” ~ “Life is not fair and there is no Santa or tooth fairy either” ~ ” Pride is one of the 7 deadly sins”.

    All in all, a terrific opportunity for important lessons to be learned. Way wait , the sooner the better. Start right away He’ll be lacing that sunflower with ratpoison, arsenic, laxitive powder, urine or the chemical biological warfare agent of his choice by next spring.

    It takes a village to raise a child
    You’re welcome!

    • MEANWHILE IN BAHGDAD THE FIVE YEAR OLDS ARE WITNESSING THEIR FATHERS BEING DRAGGED TO THE STREET AND SHOT, seeing brothers getting decapitated, enduring sisters being raped & mommy being stoned to death for crying about it.

      Tell him about that when he starts to snivel about a flower.

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