me & princess diana

Ten things that happened to me as a cycle courier in London, circa 1990 and thereabouts:

1. I collected an autographed cricket bat from The Oval and delivered it to Lords. In the pouring rain. By the time I’d got there the signatures of the entire West Indies touring party had vanished.
2. I gave Princess Diana the wrong directions. Her car stopped next to me on Marylebone High Street, and the detective accompanying our Queen of Hearts asked where Marylebone Lane was. I sent them off in the direction of Paddington. The small delay I caused may well have been a contributing factor to her death. You never know.
3. I was buff. Sixty miles a day will do that.
4. The first year, I worked for a very good company and took home more money each month than I do now. After I’d taken a break and returned for a second bite at the cherry, the industry had collapsed, I ended up working for a bunch of cowboys, and suffered accordingly.
5. I took the script of “Carry On Columbus” to a private address near Regents Park. The door was answered by Barbara Windsor. She didn’t appear in the movie.
6. I once shouted at a pedestrian on High Holborn for stepping out in front of me. He responded by calmly pulling out a gun, pointing it at my face, holding my gaze for a few seconds before casually replacing it and wandering off.
7. 10 Downing Street. Delivered there twice, ushered past the gates and up to the front door on both occasions. The second time was my favourite, as I’d just fixed a puncture and my fluorescent Butthole Surfers t-shirt was covered in grease. I had hair down to my waist. I looked great.
8. Opposite the old Daily Mirror Building at Holborn Circus. Riding behind a girl as she went under the wheels of a bus. Not a pretty site. It can be a bitch of a junction when you’re on two wheels attempting to turn right into New Fetter Lane.
9. For a while I had a regular job collecting hard-core pornographic videos from a shop in Soho and delivering them to a mysterious clinic in Farringdon, where a middle aged gentleman in a white coat would dutifully sign for the package and disappear into a dimly lit ward in the back, where I could make out a number of patients lying in bed watching television.
10. Euston Road, and the rain is almost tropical. The black cab in front of me stops suddenly, but my brakes don’t work on the greasy tarmac, and I slam into his boot. I’m thrown onto the roof of the car, but I’m unhurt. The bike is not so lucky. I take it to a shop for repair, but decide that evening to not bother going back to retrieve it. The next day, I got a job at a record company.

Next week: sacked by McDonalds.


  1. Coo. Proper tales of mirth and woe.

  2. stationary cars and bikes are a bad mix.
    you were lucky not to be hurt.
    one of the worst crashes i ever had was into the back of a parked car.


    what happened to this weeks flash masterclass?

  3. I am now working on my course-work, a super-secret flash project that should reach the public domain in several week’s time.

  4. no. 1) You deserve a sound spanking for this.

    no.3) You were a naked 60 mile a day courier, can’t be many of those about

    no.9) Scaryduck’s Home for the Easily Aroused

  5. Fantastic. I get about 1/10th of the fun doing roughly 1/10th of the daily mileage.

    All I’ve managed is the crashing into the back of the car thing, from which the bike was completely unscathed and I broke my ankle (caught foot in toe straps…)

    At least nobody’s ever waved a gun at me.

  6. I am Peter Horsley and was Royal Equerry to Prince Philip in the 1950´s. During this time I experienced very strange incidents at Buckingham Palace.

    I would like you to come together and help me gather the factual evidence needed to help Mr. Alfayed and the Met Police force. The following information needs your support and help in finding people who can verify these claims:

    1) Dr. Jack Miller, former master of Churchill college, Cambs, UK has information about the death of Princess Diana.

    2) He allegedly works for the Security Services and owns an accident investigations company called RB Hawkins Cambridge.

    3) In September 1997 he told colleagues at Churchill college he was suffering from Pagets Disease.

    4) Dr. Miller was a council member of the Winston Churchill memorial trust at the same time of Sir Richard Vickers.

    5) General Sir Richard Vickers was also equerry to Queen Elizabeth in 1956, shortly after me. I totally distrust this man but he has very powerful friends in the British Military.

    6) I also believe that Sir Richard Vickers is also in charge of the Queens Private army that was formed by Lord Louis Mountbattern.

    7) The private army is funded by funds from the Winston Churchill memorial trust and was involved in monitoring Diana before her death. (note: the link to Nicholas Soames who I also distust)

    8) General Sir Richard Vickers was the former Director of Sandhurst Military college where both Harry and William are studying.

    I really need your help and you are welcome to tell your friends and anyone in the media. We need to do everything possible to help the police and bring people to justice.


  7. this is all very sadness :(

  8. Is this the same Sir Peter Horsley who died in 2001 who has posted this wonderfully deranged article, presumably posthumously? If so, I believe in aliens from now on!