I read a lot of press releases composed by record companies and PR agencies. These documents are produced to accompany an artist’s latest piece of music, to provide ammunition to journalists and present the music in glowing terms. Depending on the money being spent on the promotion they’re generally written by a) the most junior person in the office or b) a ‘name’ journalist familiar with and favourable to the artist.
Most are awful. Grammatical errors are rife, while extraordinary, meaningless claims are par for the course: “The new release by (insert name of any rising singer with a vague R&B influence here) firmly establishes her as the Queen of UK soul”, or “2004 is shaping up to be the year of (insert name of band you’ll never hear of again here), especially since going down a storm supporting (insert name of other band you’ll never hear of again here)”. That kind of thing.
Occasionally, however, this wanton turd-polishing stops. Today was such an occasion. The debut single by Brakes arrived in the office, and I’m delighted to be able to reproduce the press release here.
Guitar & Vocals: Eamon (British Sea Power)
Guitar: Tom White (Electric Soft Parade)
Drums: Alex White (Electric Soft Parade)
Bass: Marc Beatty (The Tenderfoot)
Brakes are like totally hot scenester hipster friendsters who like totally meet up to discuss punkin’ new hair moves, denim pocket designs and awesome postcodes. These guys are so totally bomb they’ll make you shit out of your ass. They are so totally pimpin’, so whatever dude, so go fuck yourself they could be zeitguests on the forum of rad. Buff? Uh! Touch yourself. This band is sick.
Brakes debut single Pick up The Phone is released on TUGBOAT on 20th September 2004.
I’ve no idea whether this is something written by a disgruntled employee that somehow slipped through the net, or whether (as I suspect) it’s a cunning piece of linguistic tomfoolery, probably written by the band themselves, designed to make people who read press releases all day sit up and pay attention. Either way, it’s a work of genius. Brakes, I salute you and your 24-second single.