n. The act of rubbing against the body of another person, as in a crowd, to attain sexual gratification.

While I’m in the mood to embarrass myself, here’s another story (roughly number 45 in an ongoing series, probably). Some years ago I was heading home from work on London’s Northern Line. My train arrives at Leicester Square, slap-bang in the middle of the rush-hour, and is packed. I squeeze on, followed by a couple of dozen fellow commuters, and pretty soon we’re all scrabbling for air and room to stand. I’m crushed between four people at a near 45% angle, but can’t move to make myself more comfortable, a predicament heightened when the train pulls to a stop in the middle of a tunnel and shows no sign of moving. I try and tug myself into a comfortable standing position, at which point the woman I’ve been leaning against swivels round, glares at me and shouts, “EXCUSE ME! WILL YOU STOP TOUCHING ME?” The entire carriage goes silent and two hundred heads turn to stare at the pervert in their midst. It’s awful. I redden from head to toe, mumble a denial, and am grateful that the train starts to move almost immediately. I flee at the next station, leaving behind a wake of silently shaking heads, as others mutter angrily about how London simply isn’t safe for women travellers these days.

Wanna know the really weird part? The woman concerned was a former Coronation Street actress, and I’m not going to reveal which one.


  1. You and Ena Sharples, you filthy bugger.

  2. goddamn pervert. tut.
    I caught a bloke trying to nick something of the backpack on my back once. i wheeled round as he quickly removed his and and shouted ‘what the FUCK do you think you’re doing?’ He said “Tut sorry” like i was being really out of order. Actually – Fraser was that you aswell? Was it?

  3. oops – quickly removed his hand! (it was in my backpac…k… oh nothing. oops.

  4. She appeared in the series for less than a year, more than a decade ago.

  5. …and that’s all I’m going to say.

  6. :-)

    One more, and that’s it. She went on holiday, and never came back.

  7. I try and tug myself into a comfortable standing position, …” Hmmm, condemned
    by his own words, your Honour. :)

    Have you ever travelled on Japanese commuter trains, Fraser, it’s a national
    sport? :)

    Was it the actress Eva Pope (played the barmaid and nicked Bet Lynch’s lorry driving beau)?

  8. 1. That was deliberate. Well picked up on.

    2. Yes. From the airport into central Tokyo during morning rush hour. I had a seat (getting on at the first station helped), but I’ll never forget the face of the middle-aged businessman arched over me when the crush really started. Contorted in agony, but no complaints… he just kept silent.

    3. No.

  9. I can’t imagine what you you were doing to
    the guy, Fraser, sounds masochistic –
    but if he didn’t complain, one must
    assume he enjoyed it silently. :)

    I must say, you’ve got a more complex
    personality than the average blogger. ;-)

  10. Fraser’s a frotter!

  11. Nae luck Fraser lad, these hoighty-toity actresses just don’t know do they.

    I would have told her to “stop being such a freakin’ diva” and then ask her for her telephone number.

  12. admit that you love tugging yourself in and out of tight spaces!

    i’m reminded of the time that this huge person behind me in a line or queue as you call them and they were breathing on the top of my head. talk about not respecting the personal space boundaries.

    i know that you didn’t mean anything by what you did. she was just looking for attention and got it! little drama queen.
    you’ll have to tell me who she is because i don’t live in england and never heard of the show. it would be hysterical if she ended up being some porn star over in america. HA!!

  13. :)
    Oh dear! Anjanette, I don’t think British-English is your first languange, is it?

  14. HA! what gave it a way? i understand some of it though, my husband was raised in england. norfolk, norwhich area.

    you guys loose me sometimes. but for the most part i can read between the lines. :)

    cheers to fraser for keeping me up on the lingo for when i visit the family. i can’t understand a word they say!

  15. the one who married mike baldwin and slept with his long lost son?

  16. You think Joanna Lumley gets the tube? No.

  17. penguinista, i most certainly understood, picked up the double entendre and definitely meant to be filthy. sorry if i offended, just being myself.

  18. Anjanette, ok, you did understand *the* double entendre.

    I certainly did not take offence…, then again, the inference of being a wanker was not directed at me. Hmmm.

  19. I used to live in Japan, a country I truly love, and Penguinista is spot on about crowded public transport and genitals grabbing, it is indeed extremely common.
    It is very similar to a phenomenon encountered in Italy, and Japanese even adopted the term ‘mano morta’ (dead hand) for such technique.
    It usually involves a gentlemen placing his hand as close as possible to a juicy subject, then allow the movements of the crowd and train to ‘accidentally’ place itself on the target, whilst looking into the distance, utterly unaware on the whereabouts of their hand (hence the dead hand term).
    Once in place, fondling swiftly follows.
    Luckily Italian ladies know that the best way to deal with a ‘mano morta’ is with a ‘mano incazzata’ (pissed off hand) which normally involves the skilful action of pulling, twisting and squeezing the gentleman’s apparatus.
    So, Fraser, would you have swapped your public embarrassment with a ‘mano incazzata’?

  20. This is just the sort of educational response I like. I think we’ve all probably learnt something from Siria’s post. Marvellous.

    And no, I wouldn’t have swapeed my public humilation for a slice of ‘mano incazzata.’ It would have been a far less impressive story.

  21. Christ!
    You should’ve just said “get over yourself, you washed up old bag, I think you’ll find it’s a little CROWDED in here and if I could avoid touching you I certainly would!”

  22. Although I felt really sorry for you, an innocent guy, gettin the blame for summit u didn’t do (or rather MEAN ta do), I can understand where this woman is coming from…she’s been readin too many of those Cosmowhatzit magazine advice columns! Something, that I er…engaged the assistance of when I found myself in a similar predicament….

    Picture the scene – I was on the train comin home from work, (as this was about 10 yrs ago, details a bit ‘sketchy’ sorry) the carriage was not full but I do remember having to stand. A much older guy in the token ‘grey’ raincoat was standing facing me and every so often he’d lean forward & try to touch me on the er…cooter..for want of a better word! At first I just thought it happened by accident, but then when I looked up in annoyance the second and third time it kept happenin in quick succession, he had a really lecherous self satisfied leer on his boat-race…
    So, full of ‘bravado’ (not easy for a quiet lil thing like me) I remembered readin a Cosowhatsit article on advice about how to deal with this sorta thing….and without further ado, grabbed his big grubby mit from out of my nether regions, waved it high into the air, shouting at the top of my voice “Does this HAND belong to anyone, and could you keep your HAND to yourself?”

    Needless to say the guy immediately stuck his tail between his legs (excuse expression) and beaming with embarrassment, he hastily shuffled off at the next stop!

    Strange thing was, for such a tiny girlie and for such a big statement to come out of my mouth, not one single head in that train carriage so much as flinched nor batted an eyelid …. they musta all thought “That Gal means business!!”


  24. hehe

    This reminds me being in a similar situation (spookily) on the Northern Line. Some woman or other turned round after I had to brush past her to find a clearer space and, loving every second of the humiliation she thought she was about to pour on top of me, said, “Will you stop touching me!?” to which I answered “Don’t be so fucking stupid. Why would I want to touch you? I’m gay you idiot,” adding, for good measure, “and get your dandruff sorted out.”

    People laughed at her.

  25. I’m hot to frot. I use the “dead hand” approach when in a crowded elevator or underground. (I place my hand on a hot guy’s crotch, and usually he will instinctively shift position. But when he remains motionless that’s a sign that he’s welcoming the contact, so then I consider I have a green light to explore further.). Well, one day last summer I was standing next to a hot blond teenager wearing a hockey shirt and nylon shorts in a crowded elevator and he gave me the green light so I started feeling around and discovered several things: He was circumsized, he was superbly hung and he wasn’t wearing a jockstrap or even any underwear! I reached under his shorts and started wanking him. He must have been hard up because it didn’t take him long to climax. Only thing is–I didn’t have a hanky, so I was left with a handful of cum. So I just rubbed my hands together as if using hand lotion. This was my most memorable encounter on an elevator. Oh the joys of frot.

  26. the site i liked pls let me know if u some videos ,

  27. Got caught frotting in the supermarket last Saturday. I’d managed to feel the bum of about 10 different ladies, some more than once. Mainly they were above 50, one about 75 or more. Their bottoms are so insensitive. But one lady who was in here 40’s (obviously more sensitive bum) copped me on the second go. She said ‘that’s the second time you’ve done that with your hand’. True. Not surprised she discovered me, as on the first occasion I had my her bum cheek in my hand for about 6 seconds. My exit was fairly swift. But all that happened in about 10 mins.

  28. thank you, THANK YOU, for finally letting me know what frottage means,i rerad it in a viz comic about 15 yrs ago (it was in a tin ribs story)i knew it was vaguely peurile but didnt know what it described.
    ps.moby has publicly admitted being aq “celebrity frottager”. i guess he has an aversion to frotting the huddled masses.

  29. I was in Japan on a job and had to ride the subway during rush hour. The crush was so intense there was nothing I could do. Luckily my laptop had a strap on its case, because it simply started to drift away. So I was desperately holding on to my computer and was literally smashed against this attractive good smelling Japanese lady’s back. Naturally in seconds I was as hard as a rock. She never moved or even looked back. I rode the subway comfortably nestled like that for 20 minutes or more. It could have been terribly embarrasing but as it turns out it’s one of my favorite memories of Japan.

  30. I love frottage. i love menn rubbing against me