Live 8 Swap Shop

I’m not a big fan of Live 8, for a whole host of reasons, none of which I’m going to bother listing here, although I can reveal that the words ‘sanctimonious’, ‘arse’, ‘megalomania’ and ‘UBfuckingForty’ would feature prominently in my rant, were I to write one.

So who wants my tickets?

I’m not going to sell them, as this kind of free market behaviour is apparently despised by greasy-haired hero Dr Bob Geldof, even though he insists on the presence of freedom of trade as a necessary condition of the assistance to Africa that he advocates. It’s all too confusing, and my head hurts.

So I’m going to swap them. What for? Well, that bit’s up to you. I’ll consider anything.


  • Got something to offer? Then leave a comment – be sure to leave your e-mail address. I won’t publish this online, but I will need it to contact you if you’re the lucky winner
  • Nothing illegal, please
  • I retain the right to ignore all suggestions and attend the event with an attractive lady, should I ever meet one who can bear my company

On your marks, get set, go.

29.06.05: And the winner is… Well, this is going to be a great disappointment to everyone, but the tickets are going to my friend Julie, who will now be spending (along with her partner) 24 hours (or the best part of a day, at least), walking the South West Coastal path in Cornwall to raise money for Water Aid this September. Both could certainly do with the exercise.

Apologies to everyone else, especially to Pink, Sarah and Michelle who offered to personally accompany me to the gig. You’re either very brave or have ludicrously good taste. I’m not sure which.


  1. Hamish in Tunbridge Wells

    My recipe for jambalaya. It’ll blow your mind.

  2. Twenty quid to WaterAid ( – basic premise is clean water, saves more lives than just about any form of aid) per ticket. Willing to be swayed on the choice of charity, provided it doesn’t have the words “Christian”, “Catholic”, “Mission” or similar in the name.

  3. 1 goat, to be sent to a poor family somewhere in the world. They start with one, they end up with a herd. They get milk and meat and can then trade livestock. Who’d have thought 1 goat can be the key stone to the rehabilitation of a family! Genuine offer. Not to be missed. Pick me :)

  4. Pst MattM. How would 1 goat procreatate? It would either have to be pregnant when you send it over (which leads to some unsavory Eutheria oedipus complex).

    Or you are banking on a compatible gene pool between the domestic goat and the common human. Which if in a million to one change works then usually results in a single generation of infurtile offspring.

    Any sensible poor family would make goat curry out of it on the day of arrival.

  5. A night of free beers next time you’re in Devon…

  6. I would offer you the contence of my office draw. . which would include, back issues of Heat magazine, a few comic books, Ibuprofen tablets, hair brush, small tub of vaseline, post it notes and a raindeer keyring.
    If i had more i would give it to you. . .
    I understand your issues with Bob. . but a free gig would be wicked fun.
    Please pick me. .

  7. dont know about the lady bit, but i’m attractive (in other words “gorgeous”) and always available for free Live8 gigs ;)

  8. I will swap my debts of about £8500 for these tickets. What an offer.

  9. I entered simply to see if I’d win. I didn’t really expect to, and hadn’t made any plans as to what I’d do with the tickets. I think that’s the problem with doing the ticket allocation by lottery – you get lots of curious people like me winning rather than people who genuinely want to go.

    Agree with you completely on MC Solaar. Or Soon E MC. Or Femi Kuti. Or Miriam Makeba. Or Ali Farke Toure. Or loads of others of prominent African artists. They should ask for a few volunteers from the Hyde Park line-up to swap places with the African artists at The Eden Project. Then we’d see how genuinely altruistic the Western artists felt, with the global TV audience removed.

  10. In exchange I offer to go and sit through Bob Geldof’s moaning and listen to shit bands on your behalf, and even try to get some sneaky digital photos for people to photoshop afterwards.

    Surely that’s worth the tickets… in fact, I’d be interested in what else you’d throw in as a deal sweetener given what a massive sacrifice I’m offering here.

  11. Bendigeidfran, it’d be a very special goat. A kid producing machine if you will. In all seriousness though, I think the idea is that it mates with another goat. Might be wrong though. :)

    As I said, genuine offer.

  12. All I have to offer is my integrity and my critical faculties, and I wouldn’t need either of those at Live 8.

  13. Did you know that Morisons are selling rhubarb yogurt labeled as ‘fruit yogurt’. It’s a disgrace, I’m writing to the Ombudsman.

    I would love to swap something for your tickets, but I never want to visit London again.

  14. I have nothing to swap as I really don’t want anything to do with the turgid pile of festering testicles that is Live8.

    However, I do have a completely unrelated suggestion, and I’m posting it here before I forget: for your next food-related post, I’d be very impressed if you were to try some durian fruit. Apparently it’s delicious, if you can get past the horrendous smell. Which in itself is interesting, as most things tend to taste and smell the same, or at least very similar.

    That is all.

  15. I’m not bothering with the concerts since they’re just there to get the mass populous interested. But I will be at the G8 rally in Edinburgh next week.


  16. re: Fraser : “I entered simply to see if I\’d win. I didn\’t really expect to, and hadn\’t made any plans as to what I\’d do with the tickets.”
    That’s exactly what I did, but i did not win. I would probably have given them to my friend who is a huge U2 fan.

    p.s i hear that durian tartar is divine.

  17. I’m willing to beat Merk’s offer, and offer you all my debts instead. Currently standing at some 15,000, but I can run up a bit more on the credit card first if you like,

    Failing that, how about this fine “limited edition” boxed set of star wars DVDs, featuring the original 3 films, and a documentary “Empire of Dreams”. One unwanted competition prize for another, can’t be bad!

  18. The entire run of 1980s sitcom Dear John as a VHS boxset.

  19. I offer my first-born son and a signed copy of ‘Kane and Abel’ by Jeffrey Archer.

  20. Ok for my friend.
    I am willing to trade you the entire boomtown rats backcatalogue!

  21. I’m offering to swap my new bookmark for the tickets. Its made out of a lollipop stick and has a small wooden horses head that can hang over the spine of the book if positioned correctly. It looks bloody fantastic.

  22. You can have everything on my desk at the moment.
    1 x half used bottle of listerine
    1 x half bottle balsamic vinegar dressing
    142 paperclips
    1 x stapler (stolen from picture editing)
    1 x box unused buisness cards
    1 x Phone
    1 x Dell Gx150 pc + monitor
    crap cd rack (broken)
    Assorted CDs of boring software (windows, OSX etc..)
    Box screen wipes
    4 floppy disks
    1 x coffee mug (used)
    1 x spoon
    3 pkts post it notes
    1 green pen holder
    6 assorted pens
    1 x pritt stick
    2 x designer brand discount coupons (expired)
    1 mouse mat
    1 x a3 notepad
    54 pence in copper change


  23. Why not sell them and donate all proceeds to a charidee of your own choice? Or better still, give them to said charidee on condition they sell them to raise funds. Get out of that one, Geldorff.

  24. Because that wouldn’t be very funny.

  25. i will traid one signed steven gately postcard and my favourite hat.
    p.s. its a sort of beret type affair but with a peak, its quite pretentious but it looks very nice.

  26. Not funny?! Forget funny! I must remind you that peoples lives are at stake here, not to mention the future of the music biz. I’ll swap a copy of the NME and a chequebook (not mine, so there might be some cash in there) and my daughter’s favourite toy. Can’t say fairer than that. And a cat.

  27. I will give you the naming rights for my website that I no longer use I will also send you the GTA Double back for the XBOX that has been on your wish list for what seems like an eternity.
    I like U2.

  28. Unfortunately I have to take the offer of the horse- head bookmark off the table Fraser. (Slight accident whilst reading on the loo last night).

    How about I get you a suprise present when I go away to Tenerife in a couple of weeks? Or I could rob you something really good from the hotel we’ll be staying in.

  29. I think I posted my e-mail address incorrect above. It is – It is also correct this time in the ‘mail’ box. I think I only included one ‘t’ in Matt first time around!


    (P.S. feel free to remove this comment one you have the correct e-mail address in place if you wish – I do not want it to look like I am entering twice – I just needed to replace my e-mail address!)

    P.P.S – Good on you for not selling these tickets. I find it sick that when this concert is to raise awareness of Poverty and the fact that a CHILD dies every THREE SECONDS due to Poverty, that people still try and make money out of the fact.

  30. I’m offering nowt, nowt at all, because as a true tyke I’m far too bloody tight to offer anything of value for something you got for free.

    On the other hand, I would sell my Granny to see Pink Floyd.

  31. Hamish in Tunbridge Wells

    Alright, “Fraze” – you drive a hard bargain.

    My recipe for jambalaya, *and* my recipe for Osso Bucco. Both of which, natch, will blow your mind.

    The Hamester

  32. hi, just want to add o what ant said-you really should try something with durian-its lovely if you can get near it past the smell so mame mix it with something that reeeks even more (geldof anyone?). returning to the subject ill trade you a bottle of bear i found when scuba diving after tsunami-one of a kind! P.S if you throw in something extra ill even try to do something unpleseant to those arses.

  33. Watch this space regarding the durian… I made the purchase today.

  34. Hey Fraser, I offer you Matt Jones’ inane 25th June twat-posts in
    exchange for you burning the tickets and never mentioning the subject

  35. erm…well….i have absolutely nothing to offer, because well i’m broke…i have a friend who is non stop bragging that she has tickets and i really want to go to (prob more than her), but i’ll tell u what i do think u deserve a handshake for not asking for money!

  36. Julie Fitzpatrick

    Pubs are the dangerous thing. Having floated the fact that you were looking for ‘offers’ amongst a group of friends, debate raged long and hard….no, doesn’t want money, no nothing of direct financial worth….no don’t know his taste in fast cars or pullovers…..

    So here it is, the sum total, avoiding money (ish), helping make the world a better place….

    My partner and I will undertake to do 24 hours of voluntary work each (a whole day!) for either a charity you nominate or in absense, one that we choose (providing that they’ll have us) AND a cash donation to that charity(the size of which we will choose and not tell you)

    It was either this or name an ostrich after you

  37. Hmmmmmmm, taste that lovely cold beer, in a sunny beer garden in glorious Devon…

    (I know I won’t win, I’m just off to the pub)


  38. i dont really have anything to trade,as i have a large family of uncaring robing scrooge’s.
    im just a desperate pink floyd (would go through anything to see them)fan also most of the other bands!!!!!
    you could donate them to the parent of the uncaring scroogie family

  39. You can have me! ;-)

  40. I swap you my sincere gratitude and the comforting thought that you would be sending a huge Killers fan to see them live in concert for the very first and most likley last time. Plus I’ve done my bit for chridee entering the lottery, but didn’t win cause I never win anything. If that’s not good enough then you can have my brother as I’ve been trying to get rid of him for ages (Warning: Complience of brother not guaranteed). I have nothing else to offer.

  41. Hamish in Tunbridge Wells

    Fraser, you’re really bustin’ my balls, here. My final offer is my recipes for:

    * Jambalaya
    * Osso Bucco

    and . . .

    * Braised Oxtail

    all of which will, blah blah blah etc.

    The Hamester

  42. I will donate £100 to make poverty history for a pair of tickets. So therefore I swap you a nice warm fuzzy feeling inside.

  43. Hello
    I am going to strip myself of all dignity and just beg.
    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE *ok begging* PLEASE PLEASE could I have your tickets?!?!

    Now I offer you something in return.

    I regularly fundraise for various charities and so am fairly skilled at raising money. If you give me your Live 8 tickets, I solemnly swear I will raise £500 for a charity of your choice.

    Personally, I dont think you can say fairer than that. At all.

    And I will send you a Brighton stick of rock. And a bottle of Sailor Jerry whisky.
    I also cyber send you a huge pat on the back for having strong opinions about ego-fuelled-geldof and not asking for money for the tickets.

    Also if you give me the tickets I will write a “witty” report on the event to make you chuckle…

    Please choose me and I’ll raise £500+ for your chosen charity!!!

  44. Well I would love to go to the Live 8 gig as my boyfriend has just dumped me & my family live in the Midlands so I could a) go to the gig & get pissed & b) visit my home town & seek solace with my Mum! Alternatively I offer to accompany you to the gig, as life’s to short to pass up on opportunities & after all if it’s shit you can always retire to the pub!

  45. How about a plot of land in the beautiful forest that was once roamed by Robin Hood and his merry men?

    Its all legal and you own it completly for 1,000 years! Plus you will be doing something for the environment too as this scheme’s purpose is to stop building in the lovely Sherwood Forest of Nottingham.

    Plus you can go and visit it any time you want!

  46. Too late eh? Shame. You would have enjoyed playing with this lump of plutonium I have lying about my desk.

  47. who got them then ????????????????

  48. Read to the bottom of the post…

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