free stuff

I’ve discovered something about being an extremely minor web celebrity: you can get free stuff.

Although to tell the truth, there’s been only one example of this so far, but I suspect my initial foray into the murky world of online payola might just reap dividends off if I play my cards right.

A few days ago, I received an e-mail from Workman Publishing in New York. They wanted to know if, in my capacity as kitten king of kilburn (my phrase, not theirs), I’d be interested in receiving a copy of their recent publication, Your Cat’s Just Not That Into You: What Part of Meow Don’t You Understand?. Naturally, I accepted their kind offer, and today the book arrived. Marvellous it is, too. Came in a jiffy bag. Possibly the best book I’ve ever read. Really.

Of course, I’ve not read it at all. But for a moment you thought I had, and that’s the point. I’m quite happy to praise whatever it I’m sent, provided I don’t have to pay for it. This seems fair – so PR companies take note. Got something you’d love me to rave about? Then get in touch. What are you waiting for?

I’ll accept pretty much anything for ‘review’, but things I’d particularly like to get for free include the following:

  1. Some foie gras
  2. A Kitchenaid food mixer
  3. A Real Doll
  4. Holidays

And that’s about it. It’s not much to ask. I’m not greedy. Anyone? ANYONE?


  1. Kia ora,
    I don’t have any foie gras, alas. Or a Kitchenaid food mixer. I do have a really old Kenwood Chef, you can have that if you want. A Real Doll is one of them posh blow up dolls, right? I don’t have one of them either. But they do intregue me. As for Holidays…I’ve not had one myself since June 2004 so I’m buggered if I’m giving you a holiday.
    Hmmm…you can review me if you like? I’ll pop myself in a Jiffy Bag and get myself to the post office ASAP.

  2. You are a saucy minx, Milady, and no mistake. Now please stop trying to embarrass me in front of my steadily dwindling trio of bewildered readers.

  3. We got a kitchenaid last year, and it is a fantastic piece of emgineering. We used it yesterday to grate about 5 kilos of apples for some wine, then some pastry for apple pie, then we used the grater again to do carrots for bolognaise, we used the mincer to mince the beef for the bolognaise and finally the pasta attachment for the spagetti to go with the bolognaise. Possib;y my favourite attachment is the one to make sausages with. Making sausages is great fun.

    We’re not giving it away, but if we were, I’d give it to you before anyone else.

  4. Blimey – the Kitchenaid sounds like the best thing ever. In fact it sounds that with just one more attachment it could take the place of a Read Doll at the same time. Fraser, try harder to get one.

    In the meantime tell us, briefly what was in the book, so it looks like you actually look at the stuff you get and PR people will love you more. Dos it have kitten pictures in it, for example? How big is the writing?

  5. I think you all misunderstand. Fraser wanted a kitchen maid not a KitchenMaid…

    …in lieu of a Real Doll I assume

  6. I’m somewhat bewildered. Probably because I’m trying to think of a situation where you’d use all the free things about at the same time. I have come up with something, but it’s left me with a slightly disturbing image.

  7. Fraser, I hope you don’t mind, I have a question for you.

    Think on this scenario…You are a heroic space traveller, who lands on a distant planet and is the first ever person to meet with extraterrestrial life. An alien waddles up to you to say hello, and your diagnostic equipment reads that this space-fare standing in front of you is the most juicy, succulent, tasty thing in the universe.
    So, would you Eat or Greet?

    By the way, I’m not a freaky vegetarian or anything, I just thought I would ask to do your head in. if you answer, I’ll give you the diagnostic tool that tells you when something is tasty. Well, no I won’t.

  8. Can I cheat? I’d assume there were other examples of this delectable beast around, greet it warmly, find out a bit about its likes and dislikes, who its friends and enemies were, and then slaughter the enemies, serving with a pine-nut and lemon jelly.

  9. Fraser, I will be dispatching immediately to you a copies of my book “Adolf Hitler: What a Nice Bloke” and its sequel “Pol Pot: Okay he killed a few people, but he loved his mum.” I look forward to you praising these effusively in your next column

  10. Your request for Foise Gras surprises me. I was expecting the Blogjam kitchen to follow up garden snail rissotto with an experiment into city pigeon foise gras….. I’m sure that you don’t actually have to use ducks!

  11. lovely simply lovely.

  12. I am soooooooooooooo laughing my ass off at this moment, its not a pretty sight.

  13. You+have+an+outstanding+