Archive for December, 2002


Anja has a great story today – go read it, then come back here and read one of mine – it’s kinda similar.

Back already? OK – I spent a couple of years in the mid 1980’s working at London’s Record & Tape Exchange, an extremely grotty chain of second hand shops resposible for about 60% of the people working in London’s music industry. I spent one day each week in the branch that sold musical instruments and home entertainment goods, a place of not infrequent violence as we locked the doors yet again to prevent the escape of some poor smack-addict attempting to flog a stolen trumpet. One day a middle-aged gentleman arrived in the shop to sell a knackered looking video player. After making sure his ID was present and correct, I took the machine into the workshop at the back of the shop, where we tested much of the incoming stock, plugged it in, noticed there was a tape in the machine, and pressed play. And there he was – our middle-aged seller – masturbating furiously for the camera, naked apart from his socks. After regaining my composure, I took the machine back into the shop, ready to tell the surely mortified customer that he’d forgotten to remove his home-made pornography. And what happened? Before I said a word, he smiled at me, asked if I’d enjoyed the performance, grabbed the player off the counter and strolled casually out of the shop. I never saw him again.

On an unrelated note, a big thanks to whoever it was who bought this book for me via Secret Santa this year. A marvellous choice, and I thank you.

all about me

Hurrah! My new about section is online, where I witter on inanely about myself at great length. Thanks to everyone who submitted questions. I love you all very deeply.

fraser’s house

Naturally, I’m devastated. My plan to enter the World of modelling via the House Of Fraser has been dealt a blow from which I don’t expect it to recover. I suspect it may have been a problem with the photos I submitted – perhaps they didn’t like the way I was sucking my beer belly in, perhaps they spotted the nifty air-brush work on my normally prominent double-chin. Either way, I’ve not heard a peep out of the advertising agency, not even a call to say I hadn’t made the final cut, and the deadline has well and truly passed. Perhaps they were too busy laughing.

They’ll regret this, I tell you.

you ask the questions

I’d like to think that blogjam, this increasingly poor excuse for a website, means something to you, the extremely patient and ever-dwindling number of people who pop by every day. So I’d like to enlist your help. See my about section? I’ve never liked it. It’s crap. I want to replace it with a feature where you’re in control. I want you to ask me questions – they can be about anything you like, don’t hold back – and I’ll do my best to answer them as truthfully as I possibly can. It’ll be ace, honest.

Please leave your questions in the comments section. Thankyou.

my penguin friend

my penguin buddy

Woohoo! Confirmation has arrived of my successful penguin adoption. Look at him! Isn’t he cute! You can find him (her?) frollicking playfully in the penguin pool at London’s Regents Park Zoo, where he’ll be hanging out with all his penguin friends. Meanwhile, my name has been listed on a sign next to the pool, alongside the other donors. We are very special people indeed.